A while ago, a good friend of mine, Justin, told me,
"Once you've fought depression, you're always fighting it. You'll have your good days, your good weeks, your good years... but without warning it'll come back, it'll strike again."
That statement really struck me when I read it; it was a simple statement-- perhaps not even revolutionary to others to to me, it was. It did not hit me with a tide of despair, however ...
In fact, it was ... relief.
The first thing I felt was not despair, but relief. Even positivity. I've always gotten so angry at myself for getting depressed. I would always feel like I had finally overcome it, but it would always come back somehow and I would get so frustrated.
But that comment ... it illuminated a core fact about life that many forget: in life, there will always be suffering. It's the first Noble Truth of Buddhism, even. Pessimistic? Yes. Nihilisitic? Perhaps ...
But it also means that it's just a part of life. It is unrealistic to expect that once you overcome a bad time in your life, there will be no more after that. It is unrealistic to expect that life ends "happily ever after." Life goes on and as it continues, as it changes, as your change, there will be come sort of conflict, be it external or internal. Even if things do stay good, it will eventually stagnate; it might leave you bored or irritable or apathetic. It's okay to be sad, to be angry, to be frustrated or confused. There is no right or wrong, only consequences. And another part of life is that suffering can be overcome. Whether it is through personal endeavor or time, suffering can be overcome.
I do not beat myself up anymore when I get depressed. I do keep telling myself that it's perfectly fine to feel this way and that I do have the power to overcome it. Thinking this way has made me more capable of handling my problems and depression ends up becoming less severe and easier to deal with.
It took me a long time to get to where I am ... but nonetheless, here I am.
Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts
Friday, April 20, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Contemplations on interconnectedness.
Teehee!
Jeez, do I miss these old days. ^_^ And looking back on episodes, there are SO many underlying jokes I never even caught at all when I was younger. I miss cartoons when they were actually funny. And it's also kind of interesting how unisexual this show ( amongst others, like Tiny Toons) was compared to the majority of cartoons now. God, they don't make them like this anymore.
Also, I can totally see where my personality came from now. ::g::
Here's one for you, babe. XD The ending is horrendously creative~
I was reading the Dalai Lama and I've decided that I will try everything I can to meet him before I pass away. Or rather, before he does. ^_^;;
Anyways, last night, I was reading a chapter on relationships-- not romantic relationships, but relationships in general. The more I read and thought about it, the more I understood how interconnected we are. It's almost impossible to live without other people. It's futile to even try. I used to be very foolish, wanting to face and deal with things on my own. I didn't want to bother anyone and if I needed someone's help, I would have been weak. The strong, independent archetype is just that: independent.
I only found myself in further disrepair. As rational I was trying to be, I found myself in circles. I was overly suspicious of people's intentions and assumptions. This made me curl up inside myself, away from everyone. It made me terrified of trying new things and meeting new people. I became so skeptical of my friends' outstretched hands taht I am so utterly surprised that they have remained my friends for this long. The more I retreated into myself, the more psychological instable I'd become.
"My basic belief is that you first need to realize the usefulness of compassion,"he said with a tone of conviction. "That's the key factor. Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize its deeper value, than you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.
"And once you encourage the thought of compassion in you mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitude towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly or doesn't respond to you in a positive way, then at least you've approached the person with a feeling of openness that give you a certain flexibility and freedom to change your approach as needed. That kind of openness at least allows the possibility of having a meaningful conversation with them. But without the attitude of compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated, or indifferent, then you can even be approached by your best friend and you just feel uncomfortable.
-"The Art of Happiness," p. 69
Late junior year, I started talking to Josh. Neither of us expected it at all, I don't think, but we became the best of friends. I do not think I've ever been so close to a friend before. I spilled a lot to him; things I had always been ashamed of, embarrassed about, I told him so casually and so openly.
And whereas I could not help but be skeptical about people's concern for me, I could feel it in Josh. He held the same trust in me; I remember when we spent 5 hours on the phone, unraveling our life story. Though Josh was the only one I confided in, I felt more intimate with everyone I knew. There was no need to feel so closed up anymore; I mean, I didn't even have to exert any effort to be open with people, I just WAS. As long as I knew that there was at least ONE person out there whom I could genuinely trust and whom I could be open with, everything seemed okay. Not that I continued keeping everything inside. I DID become more open to people ... automatically. And the more I shared, the less these problems seemed to bother me. Suddenly, I could take my problems more lightly and I could face them without much trouble.
In fact, if it wasn't for me finally opening up to Josh, I wouldn't have been able to develop my social skills the way I did in senior year. I was moderately extroverted, I confided in a small circle of friends, I felt more myself, less of a fraud. Though I hardly outright lied about anything about myself, I never told anyone anything, and that can be a degree of falsehood. I didn't feel the need to fabricate my life anecdotes, as I admittedly did in 8th-9th grade. I can't say I was super-optimistic or happy, since there WERE many problems back in senior year. However, it felt supported by my friends. I really felt stronger because of my friends. They gave me courage.
And if it wasn't for me able to open myself up, I wouldn't have reached the pinnacle of intimacy with Shef. :3 I told him absolutely everything. I showed him every side of myself. Good and bad, he's seen it all. My peppy, bouncy side, my despairing side, my nagging (unintentionally!) side, my insecure side, my stubborn side, my hopeful side, my fearful side, my longing side-- there is this resilient, durable, everlasting trust in him and though I admit that we have had our share of pain in this relationship, I personally feel that he's made me so much stronger. I bounce back from depression pretty quickly most of the time, I am more able to handle my stresses, I am more productive-- hell, I've jumped onto the GTD bandwagon for chrissake. XD
I realize that lately, I've been too stubborn and harsh and strident, especially to Shef. Reading that chapter last night really inspired me to adopt a sense of compassion. However, that compassion will also include being able to be open-minded about Jered. I also have a history with Daniel, a guy who has caused me a LOT of trouble back in high school, that I will have to forgive. However, I think that keeping my distance from him would be a better choice, since just being around him creates a buildup of negative emotions in me. In my productive and gung-ho fervor, I've been utterly inconsiderate about others. I jump to the assumption that what works for me will work for others and it doesn't. It hardly ever does. To be there for people, to be a shoulder for them to cry on is enough.
As [the Dalai Lama] spoke, I felt an instinctive resistance. Although I've always valued and enjoyed my friends and family, I've considered myself to be an independent person. Self-reliant. Prided myself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I've tended to regard overly dependent people with a kind of contempt-- a sign of weakness.
Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the Dalai Lama, something happened. As "Our Dependence on Others" as not my favorite topic, my mind started to wander again, and I found myself absently removing a loose thread from my shirt sleeve . Tuning in for a moment, I listened as he mentioned the many people who are involved in the making of all our material possessions. As he said this, I began to think about how many people were involved int he making of my shirt. I started by imaging the farmer who grew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, for that matter, the hundreds or even thousands of people involved in manufacturing that tractor, including the people who mined the ore to make the metal for each part of the tractor. And all the designer of the tractor. Then, of course, the people who processed the cotton, the people who wove the cloth, and the people who cut, dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workers and truck drivers who delivered the shirt to the store and the salesperson who sold the shirt to me. It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others' efforts. My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. it made me want to cry.
-"The Art of Happiness," p. 74
I want to continue sustaining an open relationship with the world. We really are all interconnected and in addition to the fact highlighted above that we are all connected to people through material goods, we are also all connected through ideas. I draw and create art in a style that has been invented and developed by innumerable artists before me. I include symbolism that is built from symbols and archetypes from the past that have been passed down for centuries. Even new styles that I feel I have created on my own, I have built up from other people's work. Nothing in art is entirely, completely original, e.g. without Michelangelo, mannerism wouldn't have developed. Or at least, it wouldn't have developed as much as it did. A lot of literature is built on ideas built on webs of other ideas. All stories somehow lead to the Bible or plays of antiquity or Shakespeare, I've read. Even scientists and mathematicians have to build up from somewhere.
It's almost sort of ... beautiful.
Jeez, do I miss these old days. ^_^ And looking back on episodes, there are SO many underlying jokes I never even caught at all when I was younger. I miss cartoons when they were actually funny. And it's also kind of interesting how unisexual this show ( amongst others, like Tiny Toons) was compared to the majority of cartoons now. God, they don't make them like this anymore.
Also, I can totally see where my personality came from now. ::g::
Here's one for you, babe. XD The ending is horrendously creative~
I was reading the Dalai Lama and I've decided that I will try everything I can to meet him before I pass away. Or rather, before he does. ^_^;;
Anyways, last night, I was reading a chapter on relationships-- not romantic relationships, but relationships in general. The more I read and thought about it, the more I understood how interconnected we are. It's almost impossible to live without other people. It's futile to even try. I used to be very foolish, wanting to face and deal with things on my own. I didn't want to bother anyone and if I needed someone's help, I would have been weak. The strong, independent archetype is just that: independent.
I only found myself in further disrepair. As rational I was trying to be, I found myself in circles. I was overly suspicious of people's intentions and assumptions. This made me curl up inside myself, away from everyone. It made me terrified of trying new things and meeting new people. I became so skeptical of my friends' outstretched hands taht I am so utterly surprised that they have remained my friends for this long. The more I retreated into myself, the more psychological instable I'd become.
"My basic belief is that you first need to realize the usefulness of compassion,"he said with a tone of conviction. "That's the key factor. Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize its deeper value, than you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.
"And once you encourage the thought of compassion in you mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitude towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly or doesn't respond to you in a positive way, then at least you've approached the person with a feeling of openness that give you a certain flexibility and freedom to change your approach as needed. That kind of openness at least allows the possibility of having a meaningful conversation with them. But without the attitude of compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated, or indifferent, then you can even be approached by your best friend and you just feel uncomfortable.
-"The Art of Happiness," p. 69
Late junior year, I started talking to Josh. Neither of us expected it at all, I don't think, but we became the best of friends. I do not think I've ever been so close to a friend before. I spilled a lot to him; things I had always been ashamed of, embarrassed about, I told him so casually and so openly.
And whereas I could not help but be skeptical about people's concern for me, I could feel it in Josh. He held the same trust in me; I remember when we spent 5 hours on the phone, unraveling our life story. Though Josh was the only one I confided in, I felt more intimate with everyone I knew. There was no need to feel so closed up anymore; I mean, I didn't even have to exert any effort to be open with people, I just WAS. As long as I knew that there was at least ONE person out there whom I could genuinely trust and whom I could be open with, everything seemed okay. Not that I continued keeping everything inside. I DID become more open to people ... automatically. And the more I shared, the less these problems seemed to bother me. Suddenly, I could take my problems more lightly and I could face them without much trouble.
In fact, if it wasn't for me finally opening up to Josh, I wouldn't have been able to develop my social skills the way I did in senior year. I was moderately extroverted, I confided in a small circle of friends, I felt more myself, less of a fraud. Though I hardly outright lied about anything about myself, I never told anyone anything, and that can be a degree of falsehood. I didn't feel the need to fabricate my life anecdotes, as I admittedly did in 8th-9th grade. I can't say I was super-optimistic or happy, since there WERE many problems back in senior year. However, it felt supported by my friends. I really felt stronger because of my friends. They gave me courage.
And if it wasn't for me able to open myself up, I wouldn't have reached the pinnacle of intimacy with Shef. :3 I told him absolutely everything. I showed him every side of myself. Good and bad, he's seen it all. My peppy, bouncy side, my despairing side, my nagging (unintentionally!) side, my insecure side, my stubborn side, my hopeful side, my fearful side, my longing side-- there is this resilient, durable, everlasting trust in him and though I admit that we have had our share of pain in this relationship, I personally feel that he's made me so much stronger. I bounce back from depression pretty quickly most of the time, I am more able to handle my stresses, I am more productive-- hell, I've jumped onto the GTD bandwagon for chrissake. XD
I realize that lately, I've been too stubborn and harsh and strident, especially to Shef. Reading that chapter last night really inspired me to adopt a sense of compassion. However, that compassion will also include being able to be open-minded about Jered. I also have a history with Daniel, a guy who has caused me a LOT of trouble back in high school, that I will have to forgive. However, I think that keeping my distance from him would be a better choice, since just being around him creates a buildup of negative emotions in me. In my productive and gung-ho fervor, I've been utterly inconsiderate about others. I jump to the assumption that what works for me will work for others and it doesn't. It hardly ever does. To be there for people, to be a shoulder for them to cry on is enough.
As [the Dalai Lama] spoke, I felt an instinctive resistance. Although I've always valued and enjoyed my friends and family, I've considered myself to be an independent person. Self-reliant. Prided myself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I've tended to regard overly dependent people with a kind of contempt-- a sign of weakness.
Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the Dalai Lama, something happened. As "Our Dependence on Others" as not my favorite topic, my mind started to wander again, and I found myself absently removing a loose thread from my shirt sleeve . Tuning in for a moment, I listened as he mentioned the many people who are involved in the making of all our material possessions. As he said this, I began to think about how many people were involved int he making of my shirt. I started by imaging the farmer who grew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, for that matter, the hundreds or even thousands of people involved in manufacturing that tractor, including the people who mined the ore to make the metal for each part of the tractor. And all the designer of the tractor. Then, of course, the people who processed the cotton, the people who wove the cloth, and the people who cut, dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workers and truck drivers who delivered the shirt to the store and the salesperson who sold the shirt to me. It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others' efforts. My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. it made me want to cry.
-"The Art of Happiness," p. 74
I want to continue sustaining an open relationship with the world. We really are all interconnected and in addition to the fact highlighted above that we are all connected to people through material goods, we are also all connected through ideas. I draw and create art in a style that has been invented and developed by innumerable artists before me. I include symbolism that is built from symbols and archetypes from the past that have been passed down for centuries. Even new styles that I feel I have created on my own, I have built up from other people's work. Nothing in art is entirely, completely original, e.g. without Michelangelo, mannerism wouldn't have developed. Or at least, it wouldn't have developed as much as it did. A lot of literature is built on ideas built on webs of other ideas. All stories somehow lead to the Bible or plays of antiquity or Shakespeare, I've read. Even scientists and mathematicians have to build up from somewhere.
It's almost sort of ... beautiful.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Writing prompts and inspiration.
I did some writing exercises from this site. :3 Basically, a word pops up and I have to write about it in 60 seconds.
Cadillac.
We used to have a Cadillac; it was beaten and broken down and it sat in front of the house. We jumped on it, played on it, made it the little jungle gym we never had of our own. We kept our dog in it; it became his little mansion. I really don't know why my dad took so many years to get rid of it. The neighbors always thought we were wierd. The driveway looked so bizarre and wrong when it got towed away, even after we grew out of playing on it, after the dog was gone.
Headstand.
All of her sisters turned out to be cheerleaders. Each sister ran the school once they climbed out of their junior high years. It was almost like a history book: the Reign of Tiffany, the Reign of Jessica, the Reign of Rachael-- each of them had an army of primped-up, vicious jezebels and each of them harnessed a leash on every boy in the school. Not Emma, though. She was never able to do a headstand, even as a playful, adventurous young girl. And somehow, this handicap barred her from the adulation that bestowed her glamourous sisters.
I think I have found a new artist to look up to: Audrey Kawasaki. God, her artwork is the kind of art I want to create. Very simple, elegant, almost haunting pictures that have a definite feminine touch-- subtly erotic, yet cute. Teehee, maybe art does always reflect the artist. ::blush:: If I find the time, I will create some art over the weekend. I've been getting more and more inspired lately. Not just art-wise, but writing too; I really enjoyed doing the prompts above.
Time Flies from Five on Friday.
I also would play more games if I had a Wii. :)
One of the first things I want to do once I have money is to revamp my wardrobe. I do not have a clear-cut, specific, narrow idea of what I want, per se, but I've have been playing around with a few ideas:
All I know is that I definitely want to emphasize my femininity via my clothing, so I want more skirts. Especially A-line skirts. That will mean I need new shoes, though. I also want more accessories: bracelets and hair things and the like. To be honest, I've always had a thing for pearls ... I might incorporate them into my new style somehow. I want a range of clothing that will allow me to be very casual ( so I need to go jean-hunting), very classy, and all taht lies in-between. Since I plan on bike-commuting to save gas and money (and to stay fit! ^^), I also need really cute sporty clothes. <3
Man, this entry went all over the place.
Cadillac.
We used to have a Cadillac; it was beaten and broken down and it sat in front of the house. We jumped on it, played on it, made it the little jungle gym we never had of our own. We kept our dog in it; it became his little mansion. I really don't know why my dad took so many years to get rid of it. The neighbors always thought we were wierd. The driveway looked so bizarre and wrong when it got towed away, even after we grew out of playing on it, after the dog was gone.
Headstand.
All of her sisters turned out to be cheerleaders. Each sister ran the school once they climbed out of their junior high years. It was almost like a history book: the Reign of Tiffany, the Reign of Jessica, the Reign of Rachael-- each of them had an army of primped-up, vicious jezebels and each of them harnessed a leash on every boy in the school. Not Emma, though. She was never able to do a headstand, even as a playful, adventurous young girl. And somehow, this handicap barred her from the adulation that bestowed her glamourous sisters.
I think I have found a new artist to look up to: Audrey Kawasaki. God, her artwork is the kind of art I want to create. Very simple, elegant, almost haunting pictures that have a definite feminine touch-- subtly erotic, yet cute. Teehee, maybe art does always reflect the artist. ::blush:: If I find the time, I will create some art over the weekend. I've been getting more and more inspired lately. Not just art-wise, but writing too; I really enjoyed doing the prompts above.
Time Flies from Five on Friday.
1. How long does it take you to get ready to leave the house?
Most of the time, I can get out in 10-15 minutes. I just jump in the shower, throw on some clothes, brush my teeth and go. 40 minutes in total if I have to wash my hair as well. The trouble just comes from picking out clothes. Because I don't have many casual pants (e.g. jeans), it becomes a bit harder to just really "throw on clothes." I have a great number of black shirts but most of my pants are black. :\ I have a great number of just casual, screen t-shirts but I can't wear classy black pants with them. I'd go out and buy jeans but aaargh, it's hard to find one that will complemeent my figure.
2. If you commute to work or a regularly scheduled meeting, how long does it take you to get there?
In the mornings, 20 minutes! xx; But usually, it takes about 4 minutes to get to school. ^^
3. How much time do you spend watching TV or playing video games each day?
I don't and can't watch TV because we don't have cable whatsoever. I download or buy the shows I watch so I do not have much use for TV. Plus, I think not having TV has been a greater benefit for me. I do not have TV to distract me from work anymore-- not to say that I don't get distracted, but the elimination of one of them is a big difference. I do not waste time on shows that I "just watch because it's on." And I no longer really feel desensitized.I also would play more games if I had a Wii. :)
4. How much time do you spend preparing/acquiring/eating meals on an average day?
Erm ... not .. much? I am ashamed to admit that I eat out most of the time. :[ I'm trying to reverse that.
5. How much sleep do you get each day?
Never enough. :POne of the first things I want to do once I have money is to revamp my wardrobe. I do not have a clear-cut, specific, narrow idea of what I want, per se, but I've have been playing around with a few ideas:
All I know is that I definitely want to emphasize my femininity via my clothing, so I want more skirts. Especially A-line skirts. That will mean I need new shoes, though. I also want more accessories: bracelets and hair things and the like. To be honest, I've always had a thing for pearls ... I might incorporate them into my new style somehow. I want a range of clothing that will allow me to be very casual ( so I need to go jean-hunting), very classy, and all taht lies in-between. Since I plan on bike-commuting to save gas and money (and to stay fit! ^^), I also need really cute sporty clothes. <3
Man, this entry went all over the place.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Inspiration & Creativity.
1. What inspires you?
The fastest way to get me inspired is to browse on DeviantArt or other art sites. It's almost like an inspirational defibrillator. Music also jerks me into drawing or writing; I love drawing scenes to narrate a song or piece of music. Watching stylized and/or action flicks, anime, animated movies have always made me want to jump at art. Though not as much as it used to, fandoms inspired a great deal of fan art and fanfiction for me too. :x Reading a REALLY great tutorial makes me want to try out new things; for you cartoon-and-comic aficionados out there, read "Making Comics" by Scott McCloud.
2. What blocks your creativity?
Depression has been a real obstacle for my creativity lately; it didn't usually back in high shcool, though. In fact, my creativity was at its pinnacle whenever I was depressed back in high school. Perhaps it is because depression now often involves contemplation about the future, which always scares me, to be honest. I fear that in the future, I may have to take the path in which I must abandon my drawing to make room for some career. I constantly burn with envy whenever I see art students anywhere or when I hear about my fellow high school graduates who are currently attending Savannah's College of Art & Design. I'm trying to break out of this invisible barrier of pressure and guilt to just pursue SOMETHING in art but I get horrendously intimidated. My creativity has really hit a plateau since graduation. I barely remember a finish piece of art that I've done, actually ...
But I am currently working on advertising myself as a freelance muralist and i am always on the look-out for extra-curricular art classes and workshops to remedy the plateau.
3. Do you do anything special to get your creative juices flowing?
The best work comes from when I am attacked by these spontaneous bursts of creativity. I mean, ideas fly by so fast that I HAVE to keep paper around to jot them down. But again, to give me that jolt, I usually go to DeviantArt.
4. What time of day do you feel most inspired?
Nighttime, I think.
5. How do you like to express your creative energy?
Drawing. Just plain drawing, honestly. That's my favorite creative outlet because it just flows out of me. Painting is more of a skill-in-progress; I am stilla novice. I am not primarily a writer, so I always have to take a very bumpy road to get anywhere in writing. Sculpture in a skill-in-progress and mainly experimental. Most other art forms I attempt are experimental.
But damn, drawing. I've done it for years, so it does not have to be -especially- difficult when I don't want it to be. I have the greatest amount of control over a pen or pencil than anything else. I can whip up pages and pages of doodles and sketches and quick drawings in an hour, or work on a big, beautiful piece-- it's all up to me and I love that sense of freedom when I have that sketchbook in my lap and that pen/cil in my hand.
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