The First Noble Truth.

A while ago, a good friend of mine, Justin, told me,

"Once you've fought depression, you're always fighting it. You'll have your good days, your good weeks, your good years... but without warning it'll come back, it'll strike again."

That statement really struck me when I read it; it was a simple statement-- perhaps not even revolutionary to others to to me, it was. It did not hit me with a tide of despair, however ...

In fact, it was ... relief.

The first thing I felt was not despair, but relief. Even positivity. I've always gotten so angry at myself for getting depressed. I would always feel like I had finally overcome it, but it would always come back somehow and I would get so frustrated.

But that comment ... it illuminated a core fact about life that many forget: in life, there will always be suffering. It's the first Noble Truth of Buddhism, even. Pessimistic? Yes. Nihilisitic? Perhaps ...

But it also means that it's just a part of life. It is unrealistic to expect that once you overcome a bad time in your life, there will be no more after that. It is unrealistic to expect that life ends "happily ever after." Life goes on and as it continues, as it changes, as your change, there will be come sort of conflict, be it external or internal. Even if things do stay good, it will eventually stagnate; it might leave you bored or irritable or apathetic. It's okay to be sad, to be angry, to be frustrated or confused. There is no right or wrong, only consequences. And another part of life is that suffering can be overcome. Whether it is through personal endeavor or time, suffering can be overcome.

I do not beat myself up anymore when I get depressed. I do keep telling myself that it's perfectly fine to feel this way and that I do have the power to overcome it. Thinking this way has made me more capable of handling my problems and depression ends up becoming less severe and easier to deal with.

It took me a long time to get to where I am ... but nonetheless, here I am.

Breaking Down Goals Into Achievable Tasks.

It hasn't been that too long since the New Year started ... so are you keeping up with your resolutions? :)
It's okay, I really don't know anyone who does, including myself. I think I've been getting closer to my goals a lot faster than normal, though, upon my sudden interets in the GTD meme. The reason why my goals have been getting more attainable?

I break them down into the tiniest tasks. I'll provide an example of one of my biggest goals: transferring to GA Tech.

It's daunting, especially for a math-phobic liek myself but I want to attend there for architecture and they have the best program around.

But getting into GA Tech, I imagine, is no easy feat. How do I go from where I am now to transferring to a school like that?

I break it into the smallest tasks possible-- and by smallest, I means tasks you can do perhaps in the next week or even tomorrow.

I write mine in the standard outline format:

I. Get accepted to GA Tech
A. Research the field--I have to make SURE architecture will be worth all of this, first off. This is the only reason why I'd attend the school. (They don't have many majors I want to grab. ;x)

• 1. Go onto websites, such as the ones Kevin provided, and list down every pro/con. Compare to other fields of interest.
• 2. Visit architecture firms; Jon said he could possibly help with this. If not, I'll have to find some way to contact one ...
• 3. Find out courses I need and find out what I can branch off into if arch. isn't what I want after all.

B. Study for SAT

• 1. Review math
• i. Buy books on SAT math, look online to review.
• ii. Sheffuu~ teehee. In addition to boosting my math skills for the test, this could help him sharpen his tutoring skills; it's win-win!
• iii. Read "Up Your Score: The Underground Guide tot he SAT." LOTS of unconventional tips for the test.
• iv. Do a couple of SAT math problems everyday to keep my mind fresh.
• 2. Review english.
• i. In addition to the above, read some articles every day, AT LEAST.
• ii. Write more, whether it's for school or for this blog, etc.

C. Go that extra mile-- I am going to be realistic about my expectations; I am optimistic about getting better at math but I also have to consider the possibility that my math skills will not end up amazing. ;x However, I can also show off my academic commitment by doing more than what is required of me.

• 1. Join a group.
• i. Right now, I have 2 in mind: Circle K and UNICEF.
• 2. Establish contact with GA Tech counselors. Especially the arch. department
• i.Explore their website, try to contact them
• ii. Set up appointments, and keep in touch with them.
• 3. Scholarships
• i. Find out potential scholarships.
• ii. Map out essay topics
• iii. Outline essay.
• iv. Write essays.
• v. Submit.

That is basically what I have so far. I can do most of these probably tomorrow if I could. In fact, I want to shoot for some of these this week. By the way, I have to take a moment to pat myself on the back for my progress last week. :) I completed all of my goals with the exception of furnishing my murals Myspace and applying to 2 scholarships. However, I DID look up scholarships and scholarship resources and am ready to work on my essays this week. :)

But anyway, breaking them into very small tasks makes a big goal more approachable. As you see each task being scratched out, you get more confident and you feel more in control of your life.

Breaking Perfectionism.

"Double Your Income ... By Reading?!" by Matthew Cornell

Very interesting post ... which leads me to admit something awfully embarrassing:

I honestly have no finished a book in over a year.

Can you believe that? Over a year! Schoolwork has been piling up on me, social obligations (Well, not obligations, I love my friends~ :3 But keeping up with them does take up a chunk of time.), various concerns, and resulting slackerdom and mental fatigue has come between me and reading. The books I have been finishing are mangas (NANA, go read it!) and even then, I have trouble reading them (i.e. Deathnote).

I used to be a pretty avid reader-- a moderate fast reader, as well. Now I find myself struggling with speed-reading techniques and chastising myself for back-reading and reading too slow. it has desaturated me of a hobby I used to enjoy very much. Sure, I read blogs and articles and things like that but I really miss immersing myself in fiction. The last fiction book I've finished was Jodi Piccoult's My Sister's Keeper and even though it took me half a year ( I came back to it, off and on), it felt great to reach that final page. It was a beautiful, thought-provoking story and whether it takes two days to read it, two weeks to read it, or even (in my case) 4 months to read it, the story's splendor remained the same. I think I criticize myself too much when I'm doing something that either others (or myself) do not perceive as "efficient" or normal. Often, I feel that this is why people deny themselves from doing some things. I can't do that, because it's not professional. I can't do this, because I'm not athletic. I can't do that, because I'm not artistic. Even if I don't become a speed-reading demon, I'll still enjoy a good work on fiction.

So instead of feeling, pardon me for this, retarded for not being able to read a novel in two days anymore, I'm just going to stay at a pace where I can enjoy it and still get work done. My pace. And hye, the more I stick with it, the more efficient I WILL be at it.

And expanding on that mindset, I also want to just go ahead and try other things that I've never really allowed myself to try because of some perfectionist excuse.

1. Overcome math-phobia and become decent in it.
2. Try out tennis.
3. Try rock-climbing.
4. Bungee-swing @ Six Flags.
5. Play strategy games.
6. Get better at Halo.
7. Learn to play an instrument. ( Preferably piano, guitar, violin, or flute. )
8. Re-learn HTML and go beyond basics.
9. Take a public speaking course.
10. Approach a stranger every day.
11. Archery.
12. Fencing/swordfighting.
13. Cooking.
14. Take business courses.
15. Make a business of selling art on the side.


And of course, read more.

I've also established a little habit this week that I'm really proud of: scheduling slacker time. Right now, I am using my slacker time before I continue with my GTD list. I KNOW I will slack off during the day. I know I WILL procrastinate if I feel overloaded with things to do. So I find that it is important to schedule in slack time (Not to be mistaken as lunch time or lunch break) in addition to scheduling your daily tasks. I'm blogging, checking out Myspace, checking out blogs, thinking of what to download next ... and until that clock hits 9:50a, this time is mine. :)

Contemplations on interconnectedness.

Teehee!



Jeez, do I miss these old days. ^_^ And looking back on episodes, there are SO many underlying jokes I never even caught at all when I was younger. I miss cartoons when they were actually funny. And it's also kind of interesting how unisexual this show ( amongst others, like Tiny Toons) was compared to the majority of cartoons now. God, they don't make them like this anymore.

Also, I can totally see where my personality came from now. ::g::

Here's one for you, babe. XD The ending is horrendously creative~





I was reading the Dalai Lama and I've decided that I will try everything I can to meet him before I pass away. Or rather, before he does. ^_^;;

Anyways, last night, I was reading a chapter on relationships-- not romantic relationships, but relationships in general. The more I read and thought about it, the more I understood how interconnected we are. It's almost impossible to live without other people. It's futile to even try. I used to be very foolish, wanting to face and deal with things on my own. I didn't want to bother anyone and if I needed someone's help, I would have been weak. The strong, independent archetype is just that: independent.

I only found myself in further disrepair. As rational I was trying to be, I found myself in circles. I was overly suspicious of people's intentions and assumptions. This made me curl up inside myself, away from everyone. It made me terrified of trying new things and meeting new people. I became so skeptical of my friends' outstretched hands taht I am so utterly surprised that they have remained my friends for this long. The more I retreated into myself, the more psychological instable I'd become.

"My basic belief is that you first need to realize the usefulness of compassion,"he said with a tone of conviction. "That's the key factor. Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize its deeper value, than you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.

"And once you encourage the thought of compassion in you mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitude towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly or doesn't respond to you in a positive way, then at least you've approached the person with a feeling of openness that give you a certain flexibility and freedom to change your approach as needed. That kind of openness at least allows the possibility of having a meaningful conversation with them. But without the attitude of compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated, or indifferent, then you can even be approached by your best friend and you just feel uncomfortable.

-"The Art of Happiness," p. 69

Late junior year, I started talking to Josh. Neither of us expected it at all, I don't think, but we became the best of friends. I do not think I've ever been so close to a friend before. I spilled a lot to him; things I had always been ashamed of, embarrassed about, I told him so casually and so openly.

And whereas I could not help but be skeptical about people's concern for me, I could feel it in Josh. He held the same trust in me; I remember when we spent 5 hours on the phone, unraveling our life story. Though Josh was the only one I confided in, I felt more intimate with everyone I knew. There was no need to feel so closed up anymore; I mean, I didn't even have to exert any effort to be open with people, I just WAS. As long as I knew that there was at least ONE person out there whom I could genuinely trust and whom I could be open with, everything seemed okay. Not that I continued keeping everything inside. I DID become more open to people ... automatically. And the more I shared, the less these problems seemed to bother me. Suddenly, I could take my problems more lightly and I could face them without much trouble.

In fact, if it wasn't for me finally opening up to Josh, I wouldn't have been able to develop my social skills the way I did in senior year. I was moderately extroverted, I confided in a small circle of friends, I felt more myself, less of a fraud. Though I hardly outright lied about anything about myself, I never told anyone anything, and that can be a degree of falsehood. I didn't feel the need to fabricate my life anecdotes, as I admittedly did in 8th-9th grade. I can't say I was super-optimistic or happy, since there WERE many problems back in senior year. However, it felt supported by my friends. I really felt stronger because of my friends. They gave me courage.

And if it wasn't for me able to open myself up, I wouldn't have reached the pinnacle of intimacy with Shef. :3 I told him absolutely everything. I showed him every side of myself. Good and bad, he's seen it all. My peppy, bouncy side, my despairing side, my nagging (unintentionally!) side, my insecure side, my stubborn side, my hopeful side, my fearful side, my longing side-- there is this resilient, durable, everlasting trust in him and though I admit that we have had our share of pain in this relationship, I personally feel that he's made me so much stronger. I bounce back from depression pretty quickly most of the time, I am more able to handle my stresses, I am more productive-- hell, I've jumped onto the GTD bandwagon for chrissake. XD

I realize that lately, I've been too stubborn and harsh and strident, especially to Shef. Reading that chapter last night really inspired me to adopt a sense of compassion. However, that compassion will also include being able to be open-minded about Jered. I also have a history with Daniel, a guy who has caused me a LOT of trouble back in high school, that I will have to forgive. However, I think that keeping my distance from him would be a better choice, since just being around him creates a buildup of negative emotions in me. In my productive and gung-ho fervor, I've been utterly inconsiderate about others. I jump to the assumption that what works for me will work for others and it doesn't. It hardly ever does. To be there for people, to be a shoulder for them to cry on is enough.


As [the Dalai Lama] spoke, I felt an instinctive resistance. Although I've always valued and enjoyed my friends and family, I've considered myself to be an independent person. Self-reliant. Prided myself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I've tended to regard overly dependent people with a kind of contempt-- a sign of weakness.

Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the Dalai Lama, something happened. As "Our Dependence on Others" as not my favorite topic, my mind started to wander again, and I found myself absently removing a loose thread from my shirt sleeve . Tuning in for a moment, I listened as he mentioned the many people who are involved in the making of all our material possessions. As he said this, I began to think about how many people were involved int he making of my shirt. I started by imaging the farmer who grew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, for that matter, the hundreds or even thousands of people involved in manufacturing that tractor, including the people who mined the ore to make the metal for each part of the tractor. And all the designer of the tractor. Then, of course, the people who processed the cotton, the people who wove the cloth, and the people who cut, dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workers and truck drivers who delivered the shirt to the store and the salesperson who sold the shirt to me. It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others' efforts. My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. it made me want to cry.

-"The Art of Happiness," p. 74

I want to continue sustaining an open relationship with the world. We really are all interconnected and in addition to the fact highlighted above that we are all connected to people through material goods, we are also all connected through ideas. I draw and create art in a style that has been invented and developed by innumerable artists before me. I include symbolism that is built from symbols and archetypes from the past that have been passed down for centuries. Even new styles that I feel I have created on my own, I have built up from other people's work. Nothing in art is entirely, completely original, e.g. without Michelangelo, mannerism wouldn't have developed. Or at least, it wouldn't have developed as much as it did. A lot of literature is built on ideas built on webs of other ideas. All stories somehow lead to the Bible or plays of antiquity or Shakespeare, I've read. Even scientists and mathematicians have to build up from somewhere.

It's almost sort of ... beautiful.

Weekly Goals for Feb. 5.

After reading this article , I've decided to make up some small goals for this week:

In terms of job/money, I will:

• call Sal
• apply to @ least 2 scholarships
  
• do business card designs for Momocon
• make ad for murals
• finish Myspace for murals

Healthwise, I will:

• Wake up earlier; I'll shoot for 6:50am daily this week
• Turn off computer @ 11:30pm
• Eat decent breakfast, any combo of whole-wheat waffles, yogurt, fruit, and veggie sausages
• Eat smaller dinners
• Do yoga @ least 3X a week for @ least 10 minutes
• Pilates for 2X a week
• Strength train for @ least 2X/week
• Stay diet-conscious on weekdays
• Drink @ least one bottle/water daily
• Restrict coffee to 3X/week, at most
• Restrict soda to 2X/week
  
• Check prices on digital scales

I want to focus on taking little steps. :3 This morning, I woke up @ 6:50, did 20 mins of yoga ( I love Steve Ross. ), ate WWWaffles, oranges, and drank coffee, so I've knocked off 1/3 of my yoga and coffee goals. :3 Wish me luck with the rest!