A Word Meme for A,B, and C.

Game description.

Basically, I list everything in my life beginning with the given letters of the alphabet. So, here we go!

A is for ...

• Art, my passion and skill.
• Animation, which has been a big factor in my life, both good and bad: It immediately taught me English, it motivated the progress of my self-taught artistic abilities, it gave me style, it connected me to friends, and so much more. However, it made me incredibly ADD.
• Ambition, a newfound sensation.
• Asian, of which I am.

B is for ...

• Body image, which I constantly struggle with.
• Bona fide, which I try my best to be.
• Books, gotta love 'em.

C is for ...

• Cartoons, see animation.
• Crazy, of which I am.
• Curious, of which I am about all sorts of things.
• Car, I love mine. <3
• Camera, for I love taking pictures of people.
• Cuteness, my ultimate weakness~

Monday was Shef's birthday and we celebrated by going to Ru Sans, just the two of us. Nothing extraordinary, but it was peaceful and fun. :) I love him so much. If I could, I would completely spoil and pamper him. I have another surprise for him, though, and I think he will thoroughly enjoy it.

I've been flipping through LifeHack.org as if my life depended on it. LOL. I've been on such a self-improvement/productivity frenzy lately. I went to a lecture on professionalism and networking and presentation; I look forward to this new me. I really feel like I'm rebuilding myself. I am currently trying to join some sort of service-based organization on campus. It'll be healthy for me to try and meet new people and do something truly productive, not for myself but for the world. I want to break out of my shell and reach out and do something for humanity, instead of confining my efforts to myself. And besides, I need to talk to other people, people who may have the same ambitions as I do. As much as I adore my friends, I also can't trap myself from meeting other people.

I am thinking about joining the campus art guild as well but I am intimidated, to be honest. Many art majors have this horrible tendency to be pretentious or arrogant, but I am drawing from a limited sample I've known. I enjoy discussing art one-on-one but feel more uncomfortable about it in a group. That could just be my social anxiety, though, and nothing related to interacting with other artists.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! Momocon is drawing near! I need to set up for sales! ^_^ I want to sell more than art, but what can I sell? If I can get shirts from Cafepress.com, that would be perfect ...

I also want to draw an original character that people can recognize. Alas, I have no ideas ... :[ I want to start a webcomic, too-- perhaps basing it on the daily silliness we seem to encounter everyday. I do have ideas for a short comic, though, which involves a love triangle. Juicy. <3 I may throw up some character sketches ... and I'll have to flesh out a plot and start on a script. So much work~

I have a really boring English paper to write ... >P

Art post: The Breakup.

The Breakup, by yours truly.

No, Shef and I aren't broken up. Lol. I was just drawing and somehow, ended up with this and I liked it, so I posted it. :D

That's all, really ... :3

Frustration.

Sometimes, I like to simplify solutions to all of my problems. I am always trying to unravel the root of my problems and thus, find ways to elliminate it. I think my problems come from two sources: being jobless and having a mom.

'Course, if I HAD a job, I could make steps torwards moving out, away from my mom, so in the most simplistic terms, all I need is a job-- or rather, all I need is money, money, money.

But still, my mom has been the root of all my problems: my insecurities about my looks, my capabilities, my potential, this ungodly timidity about my future, my paralyzing, life altering guilt, my horrible procrastination habit, my tendency to avoid problems, my shyness, my severe self-criticism, my trust issues, my fear of being alone, my irritability, my difficulty with confrontation ..

... just to name a few.

I re-realized this after a week of total calm and peace from fasting when I came home and got hit in the palce with stress, stress, stress. First, she slaps an overdue tuition bill in front of me and yells at me about it. I tried to explain to her the reason why I didn't worry about it prior to the bill was because someone from my financial aid office actually told me, verbatim that I was okay and there was nothing else left that I had to do. SHe then proceeded to throw a tantrum, like an ACTUAL tantrum-- ever seen a 6-year-old with bipolar disorder? It's scary stuff. Oh yeah, then she gave me ALL these errands right when I came home; mind you, I came home at 1AM. I had to call about deals on this Vonage plan or whatever, check over some FAFSA stuff, look over tax crap and do this and that for her ... God, I don't even know ANYTHING about taxes or loans or whatever and she expects me to be her little encyclopedia for this stuff. Hasn't she done this the whole time? Why does she need this from me now? I'm tired of this.

I probably wouldn't have put such a major block on her if she hadn't thrown all of this at me right when I stepped through the door. BEFORE I even stepped in, actually. This is why I leave my house so often. I want to get away from her. And she is so determined that she's good for me. That's the part I hate the most, that she believes she is so good and innocent. What a hypocrite. No wonder I'm so messed up now. How can anyone grow up normal or stable with her?

I realize now I have been putting all my efforts into trying to undo everything she's done to me ...

All the counseling, all the self-help books, all the research, the sudden interest in psychology in 11th grade, the soul-searching, all of that ...

.. is to totally correct my upbringing.

Inspiration & Creativity.

1. What inspires you?
The fastest way to get me inspired is to browse on DeviantArt or other art sites. It's almost like an inspirational defibrillator. Music also jerks me into drawing or writing; I love drawing scenes to narrate a song or piece of music. Watching stylized and/or action flicks, anime, animated movies have always made me want to jump at art. Though not as much as it used to, fandoms inspired a great deal of fan art and fanfiction for me too. :x Reading a REALLY great tutorial makes me want to try out new things; for you cartoon-and-comic aficionados out there, read "Making Comics" by Scott McCloud.

2. What blocks your creativity?
Depression has been a real obstacle for my creativity lately; it didn't usually back in high shcool, though. In fact, my creativity was at its pinnacle whenever I was depressed back in high school. Perhaps it is because depression now often involves contemplation about the future, which always scares me, to be honest. I fear that in the future, I may have to take the path in which I must abandon my drawing to make room for some career. I constantly burn with envy whenever I see art students anywhere or when I hear about my fellow high school graduates who are currently attending Savannah's College of Art & Design. I'm trying to break out of this invisible barrier of pressure and guilt to just pursue SOMETHING in art but I get horrendously intimidated. My creativity has really hit a plateau since graduation. I barely remember a finish piece of art that I've done, actually ...

But I am currently working on advertising myself as a freelance muralist and i am always on the look-out for extra-curricular art classes and workshops to remedy the plateau.

3. Do you do anything special to get your creative juices flowing?
The best work comes from when I am attacked by these spontaneous bursts of creativity. I mean, ideas fly by so fast that I HAVE to keep paper around to jot them down. But again, to give me that jolt, I usually go to DeviantArt.

4. What time of day do you feel most inspired?
Nighttime, I think.

5. How do you like to express your creative energy?
Drawing. Just plain drawing, honestly. That's my favorite creative outlet because it just flows out of me. Painting is more of a skill-in-progress; I am stilla novice. I am not primarily a writer, so I always have to take a very bumpy road to get anywhere in writing. Sculpture in a skill-in-progress and mainly experimental. Most other art forms I attempt are experimental.

But damn, drawing. I've done it for years, so it does not have to be -especially- difficult when I don't want it to be. I have the greatest amount of control over a pen or pencil than anything else. I can whip up pages and pages of doodles and sketches and quick drawings in an hour, or work on a big, beautiful piece-- it's all up to me and I love that sense of freedom when I have that sketchbook in my lap and that pen/cil in my hand.

Fast times.

I am currently undergoing a week-long fast and so far, I've gone through four full days without food! I've hardly ever gone through one day of food and it's funny how subtracting one factor of your daily life can make such a difference. I feel a lot more .. lightweight? Not just because of my empty stomach but mentally, I feel lightweight. Not dizzy, but clear. Admittedly, the feeling of being cleansed was not as dramatic and revolutionizing as I had anticipated-- it is a very subtle change. I hardly noticed it at all. In fact, at first, I was afraid that I was doing this for nothing. Instead of crackling out of this cocoon in violent spasms, trying to liberate myself from its grasp, I feel more like I just slipped out of the cocoon and fluttered away quietly.

My mind is so uncluttered. Even a couple of days ago, when my darling Shef and I were talking about the future and I got horrendously intimidated, the fear was alleviated almost immediately. Of course, a large part of the alleviation was due to my lover's kind consolations, but still, it was uncharacteristic of me.

I feel a pleasant emptiness; my body feels so lightweight and so rid of clutter that every breath I take is refreshing. I wish very much that the weather were warmer so I could fully enjoy taking in the outdoor air. I want to do this again in the summer, when I can really sweat out all the toxins and really purify myself.

I also feel like I've made a triumph over myself. I used to think that I had no willpower whatsoever but I've continually turned down food again and again this week, even when my friends were eating cookies and candy and sushi in front of me! ::pout:: But I did it, and I'm really proud of myself. It makes me believe that perhaps I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for. Self-improvement has always been a constant endeavor for me; the first thing I hit when I go to the bookstore is the self-help section. I soak in the information but sometimes, I never implement what I learn, no matter how revolutionary an idea is. I get scared, I get skeptical, I even get too lazy. Right now, I want to learn and do as much as I can. I can't sit like a rock and expect good things to happen, I need to really get up and make them happen. I've already mentally compiled a list of what I want to achieve this year and even how I'm going to achieve them. First off, above all, I need to break my social anxiety. I worked hard to build myself into a social butterfly (Jeez, all these butterfly metaphors. Lol. ) in my senior year, I can do it again. I've lost so many job opportunities due to my fear of calling, confronting, inquiring, meeting ...

Tomorrow, I'm calling Sal and asking him about that job. I'm also going to call a bunch of other possible job places and sending out a whole mess of emails. I need to establish a relationship with the architecture department @ Georgia Tech and I need to hunt down Jesse's father. I also want to start getting my freelance mural thing going; it's good money and I really do genuinely miss doing mural work.

I've been falling in love with the Internet again. For almost two years now, the utility of the Internet has been narrowed down to Gmail, Myspace and Livejournal for me but I hit like a gold mine of random-ass resources the other day. LOL. I recommend that you guys check these links out~

Pandora Internet Radio A really awesome site that lets you type in a band or artist name and helps you discover similar artists/bands.

LifeHack.org Such a useful site; plenty of resources and advice for all kinds of issues from conversation to college life to money to relationship advice.

Squidoo Gives THE best links and resources, hands down.

Seventh Sanctum A plot/character/etc generator. If you ever run out of ideas ... ^_^

Not too shabby of a first post. ^_^