Frustration.

Sometimes, I like to simplify solutions to all of my problems. I am always trying to unravel the root of my problems and thus, find ways to elliminate it. I think my problems come from two sources: being jobless and having a mom.

'Course, if I HAD a job, I could make steps torwards moving out, away from my mom, so in the most simplistic terms, all I need is a job-- or rather, all I need is money, money, money.

But still, my mom has been the root of all my problems: my insecurities about my looks, my capabilities, my potential, this ungodly timidity about my future, my paralyzing, life altering guilt, my horrible procrastination habit, my tendency to avoid problems, my shyness, my severe self-criticism, my trust issues, my fear of being alone, my irritability, my difficulty with confrontation ..

... just to name a few.

I re-realized this after a week of total calm and peace from fasting when I came home and got hit in the palce with stress, stress, stress. First, she slaps an overdue tuition bill in front of me and yells at me about it. I tried to explain to her the reason why I didn't worry about it prior to the bill was because someone from my financial aid office actually told me, verbatim that I was okay and there was nothing else left that I had to do. SHe then proceeded to throw a tantrum, like an ACTUAL tantrum-- ever seen a 6-year-old with bipolar disorder? It's scary stuff. Oh yeah, then she gave me ALL these errands right when I came home; mind you, I came home at 1AM. I had to call about deals on this Vonage plan or whatever, check over some FAFSA stuff, look over tax crap and do this and that for her ... God, I don't even know ANYTHING about taxes or loans or whatever and she expects me to be her little encyclopedia for this stuff. Hasn't she done this the whole time? Why does she need this from me now? I'm tired of this.

I probably wouldn't have put such a major block on her if she hadn't thrown all of this at me right when I stepped through the door. BEFORE I even stepped in, actually. This is why I leave my house so often. I want to get away from her. And she is so determined that she's good for me. That's the part I hate the most, that she believes she is so good and innocent. What a hypocrite. No wonder I'm so messed up now. How can anyone grow up normal or stable with her?

I realize now I have been putting all my efforts into trying to undo everything she's done to me ...

All the counseling, all the self-help books, all the research, the sudden interest in psychology in 11th grade, the soul-searching, all of that ...

.. is to totally correct my upbringing.