A Belated Valentine's Day Post.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day. :)

Found this in a LJ entry that I made almost two years ago when I first started going out with my darling Shef:

"He came over today, and I got to give him the gift I bought yesterday for him. ^_^ It's so weird ... I HATE spending money, especially spending money on other people, but I drove BACK home to get the money for the plushie and then back to Media Play with no hesitation. I love so much to see him smile, to see him happy. It fills me with great joy to see him so happy, because he's been so unhappy before. I'm so flattered and honored to know that I give his life meaning, as he does mine. The thought of him brings a smile to my face when I wake up. My hands feel so naked when I can't hold his hands. It sort of irks me that I did not realize how happy he could make me ... I could have saved a lot of unhappiness throughout the schoolyear. I remember seeing him in the hallway after 2nd period and how my heart would jump when I saw him. I remember sitting in Philosophy Club, my eyes never moving away from him as he talked to Heath and the rest of them. I remember blushing and looking away quickly whenever he glanced at me. I remember when I first told someone of my crush on him. I was sick and had to stay home, as did Tiara. We spoke on AIM forever and suddenly, I just told her. It felt so nice to get it off of my chest. And I always loved skipping to lunch with him. I still laugh like crazy, remembering that INCREDIBLY lewd conversation that Josh, Shef, and I sustained throughout those three hours. I remember him telling us of his suicide attempt, and my overpowering urge to hug him and to kiss that dark scar slashed across his wrist. I remember being ashamed the morning after my house burned down, and I was crying in the courtyard. I didn't want him to see me like that. I didn't want anyone to see me like that, but especially not him. And that day when we left school early and piled into Josh's car ... oh my God, that was such a fun day. That was the day I got to witness the magnitude of his insanity, and he made me laugh so much. I liked how uninhibited he was and it oddly resuscitated my infatuation for him again. I like the strangest people. ^_~ I'm so happy to have him now. I can never stay sad for too long with him in my mind. "

My relationship with Shef has taught me so much about relationships. When I was single, I used to beat myself up a lot about it. I was afraid that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough; it's painful, this holiday, when you are single. And I can out and will not preach to people against feeling that way. How can you avoid feeling a bit dismayed when you see happy couples all around you?

Relationships, however, do not solve problems unless you work at them. Having a relationship means committing to another person to some extent and commitments of ANY kind means having to make adjustments.

Not that it isn't worth it. :)

I've learned so much from mine, and I continue learning. When it all boils down to it, relationships are easy, yet many people lack the common sense to LET it be easy for them. When it all boils down to it, the success of relationships just depend on communication. Practical, simple, and commonsense, yet it can be extremely difficult. Both of us have had our communication blocks and no matter how severe, no matter how dismal it seemed at the time, our problems could be solved through talking.

Top Five Things I've Learned Being In A Relationship

1. Be assertive about feelings.
If I want a problem to be addressed, if I want him to do more of something for me ( Listening to me, taking me out, etc), I have to inform him of it, directly, but nonthreateningly. By expecting someone to mind read your thoughts and feelings, you just create more havoc for your partner and your self. Many people fall under the impression that "If so-and-so truly loved me, s/he'd be able to KNOW what I'm feeling/why I'm feeling this way!" By falling under this impression, you discredit your partner's efforts and concern for you and convince yourself of innumerable misconceptions. Your partner IS your lover, your soul mate, yes, but they are also only human.

2. Be honest and open.
Honesty is so important not only in your romantic relationships but ANY social connection, really. You save yourself a lot of trouble by being honest. As a slightly far-fetched example, look at it this way: would you rather have your partner, an aspiring writer, build up so much hope and excitement because, let's say, you said that you had such deep connections that you knew someone could possibly get her a contract at a publishing company and then completely crush her excitement and plans in the end or would you rather tell her that while you do not know anyone, you will most definitely help her to the best of your ability? Lying builds unnecessary complications and they make more hassle than it's worth.

3. Being right is the "booby prize."
You've thoroughly dissected the issue. All reasoning leads to you being right and your partner being wrong, wrong, wrong. "She's being difficult because she's pushy--she's overbearing," "He's not listening enough--he's a bad lover," "She's not doing enough around the house--she's irresponsible"-- and maybe you ARE right. But what does that do? Susan Page gives such great relationship advice in her books and I think the best piece of advice is to not focus so much on being right. it only creates a power struggle between you and your partner, whether the struffle is internal or external. Being right is meaningless because the problems will still be there; in fact, your partner may even put up some resistance if you persist that s/he's wrong and you're right. It will make them feel attacked and it will only exacerbate problems. Don't try to point out what is wrong with them, point out what you want.

4. Know what you want.
To know exactly what you want will drive away complications. To understand who you are, why you are, how you are is to do your partner and yourself a great favor. To be assertive about your feelings, you have to know HOW you feel and why. Don't use this understanding to one-up your partner and prove your point-- rather, explain to them your actions in addition to what you want from them.

5. Shower them with compassion.
At times, this will be difficult. You're frustrated, you're angry, you feel ignored ... if you feel this way, most likely, your partner does too. If you've ever read "How One of You Can Bring the Two Of You Together" and "Why Talking Isn't Enough" (Both by Susan Page), you'll find that sometimes, the best way to get to the solution isn't through talking it out, but rather, just detaching yourself of your negative feelings and shower them with compassion. Genuine compassion. It's a spiritual shift from being self-focused and not to be mistakened as a bite-your-lip-and-get-it-over-with method of manipulation. Do this without expecting anything in return; otherwise, it WILL be manipulative. It's counterintuitive, it's nonsensical, it's unconventional, but it really works. The best way to understand this piece of advice is by reading one of those books, trust me, if there's one relationship book I ever recommended, it's one of those two! :)

Also, Psychology Today has an article similar tot he list I've just made: Five Ways To Transform Your Partner

All the troubles we've ever been through is worth it. He's been everything to me and I want to be everything to him. When I'm around him, I feel loved and protected and I feel like even if I fail at something, I'll always have him to clutch onto my hand. :) Happy Valentine's Day, babe. ^_^