The Pursuit of Happiness: A Blog

The First Noble Truth.

2007-04-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

A while ago, a good friend of mine, Justin, told me,

"Once you've fought depression, you're always fighting it. You'll have your good days, your good weeks, your good years... but without warning it'll come back, it'll strike again."

That statement really struck me when I read it; it was a simple statement-- perhaps not even revolutionary to others to to me, it was. It did not hit me with a tide of despair, however ...

In fact, it was ... relief.

The first thing I felt was not despair, but relief. Even positivity. I've always gotten so angry at myself for getting depressed. I would always feel like I had finally overcome it, but it would always come back somehow and I would get so frustrated.

But that comment ... it illuminated a core fact about life that many forget: in life, there will always be suffering. It's the first Noble Truth of Buddhism, even. Pessimistic? Yes. Nihilisitic? Perhaps ...

But it also means that it's just a part of life. It is unrealistic to expect that once you overcome a bad time in your life, there will be no more after that. It is unrealistic to expect that life ends "happily ever after." Life goes on and as it continues, as it changes, as your change, there will be come sort of conflict, be it external or internal. Even if things do stay good, it will eventually stagnate; it might leave you bored or irritable or apathetic. It's okay to be sad, to be angry, to be frustrated or confused. There is no right or wrong, only consequences. And another part of life is that suffering can be overcome. Whether it is through personal endeavor or time, suffering can be overcome.

I do not beat myself up anymore when I get depressed. I do keep telling myself that it's perfectly fine to feel this way and that I do have the power to overcome it. Thinking this way has made me more capable of handling my problems and depression ends up becoming less severe and easier to deal with.

It took me a long time to get to where I am ... but nonetheless, here I am.

2007 Report Card.

2007-02-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

Report Card from Friday5.org:

For these first seven weeks of 2007, what’s something you give yourself an A for? Becoming more motivated, getting things done, finding a job, and staying consistent with yoga.
What’s something you give yourself a B for? Keeping up with school. ;)
What’s something you give yourself a C for? Being more social and getting more involved on campus.
What’s something you give yourself a D for? Working out and keeping up with my artistic interests.
What’s something you give yourself an F for? Not studying to retake the SAT. XD

I am proud to announce that I managed to acquire a new job this week as a photo coordinator! :D Well, actually, I'm that, a photo packager, and a Photoshop Tech. :x I am really excited, especially since my weekday schedule will be flexible. I'll have time to study and keep up with school and friends and things. I've also attended a Circle K meeting. Circle K is a serivce-based organization and I am taking Saturday to help clean up North Cobb High and then I will be training for volunteer positions for various community orchestra concerts. ^_^

My brother's been sick all week, poor thing. I bought him some chicken noodle soup; I hope that'll help ... We've been watching old Pokemon episodes at night together. Brings back a lot of memories.

I think I'm finished with my Hanu Murals Myspace; I've even done flyers. Now, I just have to find places that will be willing to put them up ... I don't really anticipate any problems, but I hope I can find a few. Josh said he's hang them up at work, so that least that's a given. ^_^ I really hope I get commissioned for a project. I miss mural work so dearly ...

A Belated Valentine's Day Post.

2007-02-14T22:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Belated Valentine's Day. :)

Found this in a LJ entry that I made almost two years ago when I first started going out with my darling Shef:

"He came over today, and I got to give him the gift I bought yesterday for him. ^_^ It's so weird ... I HATE spending money, especially spending money on other people, but I drove BACK home to get the money for the plushie and then back to Media Play with no hesitation. I love so much to see him smile, to see him happy. It fills me with great joy to see him so happy, because he's been so unhappy before. I'm so flattered and honored to know that I give his life meaning, as he does mine. The thought of him brings a smile to my face when I wake up. My hands feel so naked when I can't hold his hands. It sort of irks me that I did not realize how happy he could make me ... I could have saved a lot of unhappiness throughout the schoolyear. I remember seeing him in the hallway after 2nd period and how my heart would jump when I saw him. I remember sitting in Philosophy Club, my eyes never moving away from him as he talked to Heath and the rest of them. I remember blushing and looking away quickly whenever he glanced at me. I remember when I first told someone of my crush on him. I was sick and had to stay home, as did Tiara. We spoke on AIM forever and suddenly, I just told her. It felt so nice to get it off of my chest. And I always loved skipping to lunch with him. I still laugh like crazy, remembering that INCREDIBLY lewd conversation that Josh, Shef, and I sustained throughout those three hours. I remember him telling us of his suicide attempt, and my overpowering urge to hug him and to kiss that dark scar slashed across his wrist. I remember being ashamed the morning after my house burned down, and I was crying in the courtyard. I didn't want him to see me like that. I didn't want anyone to see me like that, but especially not him. And that day when we left school early and piled into Josh's car ... oh my God, that was such a fun day. That was the day I got to witness the magnitude of his insanity, and he made me laugh so much. I liked how uninhibited he was and it oddly resuscitated my infatuation for him again. I like the strangest people. ^_~ I'm so happy to have him now. I can never stay sad for too long with him in my mind. "

My relationship with Shef has taught me so much about relationships. When I was single, I used to beat myself up a lot about it. I was afraid that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough; it's painful, this holiday, when you are single. And I can out and will not preach to people against feeling that way. How can you avoid feeling a bit dismayed when you see happy couples all around you?

Relationships, however, do not solve problems unless you work at them. Having a relationship means committing to another person to some extent and commitments of ANY kind means having to make adjustments.

Not that it isn't worth it. :)

I've learned so much from mine, and I continue learning. When it all boils down to it, relationships are easy, yet many people lack the common sense to LET it be easy for them. When it all boils down to it, the success of relationships just depend on communication. Practical, simple, and commonsense, yet it can be extremely difficult. Both of us have had our communication blocks and no matter how severe, no matter how dismal it seemed at the time, our problems could be solved through talking.

Top Five Things I've Learned Being In A Relationship

1. Be assertive about feelings.
If I want a problem to be addressed, if I want him to do more of something for me ( Listening to me, taking me out, etc), I have to inform him of it, directly, but nonthreateningly. By expecting someone to mind read your thoughts and feelings, you just create more havoc for your partner and your self. Many people fall under the impression that "If so-and-so truly loved me, s/he'd be able to KNOW what I'm feeling/why I'm feeling this way!" By falling under this impression, you discredit your partner's efforts and concern for you and convince yourself of innumerable misconceptions. Your partner IS your lover, your soul mate, yes, but they are also only human.

2. Be honest and open.
Honesty is so important not only in your romantic relationships but ANY social connection, really. You save yourself a lot of trouble by being honest. As a slightly far-fetched example, look at it this way: would you rather have your partner, an aspiring writer, build up so much hope and excitement because, let's say, you said that you had such deep connections that you knew someone could possibly get her a contract at a publishing company and then completely crush her excitement and plans in the end or would you rather tell her that while you do not know anyone, you will most definitely help her to the best of your ability? Lying builds unnecessary complications and they make more hassle than it's worth.

3. Being right is the "booby prize."
You've thoroughly dissected the issue. All reasoning leads to you being right and your partner being wrong, wrong, wrong. "She's being difficult because she's pushy--she's overbearing," "He's not listening enough--he's a bad lover," "She's not doing enough around the house--she's irresponsible"-- and maybe you ARE right. But what does that do? Susan Page gives such great relationship advice in her books and I think the best piece of advice is to not focus so much on being right. it only creates a power struggle between you and your partner, whether the struffle is internal or external. Being right is meaningless because the problems will still be there; in fact, your partner may even put up some resistance if you persist that s/he's wrong and you're right. It will make them feel attacked and it will only exacerbate problems. Don't try to point out what is wrong with them, point out what you want.

4. Know what you want.
To know exactly what you want will drive away complications. To understand who you are, why you are, how you are is to do your partner and yourself a great favor. To be assertive about your feelings, you have to know HOW you feel and why. Don't use this understanding to one-up your partner and prove your point-- rather, explain to them your actions in addition to what you want from them.

5. Shower them with compassion.
At times, this will be difficult. You're frustrated, you're angry, you feel ignored ... if you feel this way, most likely, your partner does too. If you've ever read "How One of You Can Bring the Two Of You Together" and "Why Talking Isn't Enough" (Both by Susan Page), you'll find that sometimes, the best way to get to the solution isn't through talking it out, but rather, just detaching yourself of your negative feelings and shower them with compassion. Genuine compassion. It's a spiritual shift from being self-focused and not to be mistakened as a bite-your-lip-and-get-it-over-with method of manipulation. Do this without expecting anything in return; otherwise, it WILL be manipulative. It's counterintuitive, it's nonsensical, it's unconventional, but it really works. The best way to understand this piece of advice is by reading one of those books, trust me, if there's one relationship book I ever recommended, it's one of those two! :)

Also, Psychology Today has an article similar tot he list I've just made: Five Ways To Transform Your Partner

All the troubles we've ever been through is worth it. He's been everything to me and I want to be everything to him. When I'm around him, I feel loved and protected and I feel like even if I fail at something, I'll always have him to clutch onto my hand. :) Happy Valentine's Day, babe. ^_^

Breaking Down Goals Into Achievable Tasks.

2007-02-08T11:09:00.000-05:00

It hasn't been that too long since the New Year started ... so are you keeping up with your resolutions? :)
It's okay, I really don't know anyone who does, including myself. I think I've been getting closer to my goals a lot faster than normal, though, upon my sudden interets in the GTD meme. The reason why my goals have been getting more attainable?

I break them down into the tiniest tasks. I'll provide an example of one of my biggest goals: transferring to GA Tech.

It's daunting, especially for a math-phobic liek myself but I want to attend there for architecture and they have the best program around.

But getting into GA Tech, I imagine, is no easy feat. How do I go from where I am now to transferring to a school like that?

I break it into the smallest tasks possible-- and by smallest, I means tasks you can do perhaps in the next week or even tomorrow.

I write mine in the standard outline format:

I. Get accepted to GA Tech
A. Research the field--I have to make SURE architecture will be worth all of this, first off. This is the only reason why I'd attend the school. (They don't have many majors I want to grab. ;x)

1. Go onto websites, such as the ones Kevin provided, and list down every pro/con. Compare to other fields of interest.
2. Visit architecture firms; Jon said he could possibly help with this. If not, I'll have to find some way to contact one ...
3. Find out courses I need and find out what I can branch off into if arch. isn't what I want after all.

B. Study for SAT

1. Review math
i. Buy books on SAT math, look online to review.
ii. Sheffuu~ teehee. In addition to boosting my math skills for the test, this could help him sharpen his tutoring skills; it's win-win!
iii. Read "Up Your Score: The Underground Guide tot he SAT." LOTS of unconventional tips for the test.
iv. Do a couple of SAT math problems everyday to keep my mind fresh.
2. Review english.
i. In addition to the above, read some articles every day, AT LEAST.
ii. Write more, whether it's for school or for this blog, etc.

C. Go that extra mile-- I am going to be realistic about my expectations; I am optimistic about getting better at math but I also have to consider the possibility that my math skills will not end up amazing. ;x However, I can also show off my academic commitment by doing more than what is required of me.

1. Join a group.
i. Right now, I have 2 in mind: Circle K and UNICEF.
2. Establish contact with GA Tech counselors. Especially the arch. department
i.Explore their website, try to contact them
ii. Set up appointments, and keep in touch with them.
3. Scholarships
i. Find out potential scholarships.
ii. Map out essay topics
iii. Outline essay.
iv. Write essays.
v. Submit.

That is basically what I have so far. I can do most of these probably tomorrow if I could. In fact, I want to shoot for some of these this week. By the way, I have to take a moment to pat myself on the back for my progress last week. :) I completed all of my goals with the exception of furnishing my murals Myspace and applying to 2 scholarships. However, I DID look up scholarships and scholarship resources and am ready to work on my essays this week. :)

But anyway, breaking them into very small tasks makes a big goal more approachable. As you see each task being scratched out, you get more confident and you feel more in control of your life.

Networking.

2007-02-07T09:48:00.000-05:00

Networking Surprises by Matthew Cornell
"[...]two recent experiences surprised me, and made me realize that there are many directions networking with someone can go. In one case I talked with an established professional organizer in the area, who started the call with the very emotional speech 'What makes you think I'd be willing to talk to you?' The outcome? No I didn't (politely) hang up (I did seriously consider it). Instead I stayed with her, asking if there was a way we could talk that wouldn't be threatening. We ended up talking for well over an hour, and discovered mutual friends and compatible ideas. "

A Geek Gets Networking By Matthew Cornell
"[...]I know I absolutely must stay open to unexpected opportunities, especially ones that I literally can't imagine. My hope is that, by meeting others, being generous to them, and listening, I'll gain insight into (and help with) defining my path, rather than simply following possibly limited ones I dream up myself. [...]

I've discovered a world that, as a programmer, I had no clue existed. I've been living in a 20 year technical cocoon, starting with my first job with NASA, in which I've focused solely on my immediate social environment - my fellow workers, my boss, etc. This has been possible due to the focused nature of the work, and my willingness to be happy with that (frankly) impoverished level of connection with people. However, it is definitely time to change."

And finally, a refreshing, more productive and less "bloodthirsty" definition of networking: "Is Networking a Dirty Word?"

Hm, I wonder what the theme is for this blog. ;)

One of my goals this year is to reach the level of social competence that I had achieved in high school senior year. In a previous post, I wrote about how openness and compassion led me to automatic intimacy and friendship. Since I've graduated, however, I have started to withdraw more and more into the social ineptitude I suffered from during the majority of high school and middle school. To give you an idea of how severe my social anxiety was, I always took an hour to debate with myself whether or not I should ask the man four feet away from me for the time. No joke. I hated making eye contact, I felt uncomfortable being near people, and in the course of an 8-hour school day, I literally spoke about 5 words. (Ask John Kim, he even brought this up to me. Lol.)

When I became more social, I found it easier to deal with problems, to talk to people, to initiate conversations with strangers, to ask for help, to give and receive generosity-- being more social made me stronger, more resilient, and more productive. While I do not have personal tips and advice for networking (it's become a new subject of interest to me, honestly), I do have advice for those who find it extremely difficult to approach people:

1. Use surroundings.
If I'm in a classroom, I'll discuss about the professor, the coursework, the subject, the school, the campus. This gives you an idea of their attitude, whether they are slackers, go-getters, critics, optimists, etc.

2. Use other people.
This does not imply gossip or criticism, by the way. It's important to stay positive, no matter what. Ask, for example, how they know so-and-so (i.e. if you are at a party or at a friend's house).

3. Use visuals!
This, personally, has proved to be the easiest way for me to make friends and make new people. By visuals, I mean hair, clothes, shoes, jewelry, anything. Give a genuine, honest compliment and build on it. Ask where it came from. Make comments about the store (i.e. you like the store, you shop there occasionally, you've never been there, you've never heard of it...). From there, you can go in a multitude of directions.

I personally love taking to other otakus. :) I feel so connected and so extroverted in a convention because I know that I have at least ONE thing in common with them: anime! And it's a safe assumption that if you live in Georgia and you are an otaku, you've heard of/visited/frequent/volunteered at/anticipate/love AWA. If they are adorning some otakuwear ( be it a shirt, a beanie, a keychain ..), I bring it up. I've gotten into the most elaborate conversations with people I've never seen before and it's amazing how long it goes on for. Most of the time, I even expand the conversation to other areas, like whether they live around the area, or whether they know of so-and-so, where they go to school at, what their major is-- I love talking to new people. :)

So especially if you're a total nerd like me, you can connect to people just like that. ::g::

I also think that this is a reason why it's also useful to wear printed t-shirts on them. :3 They make great conversation starters, which brings me to my next point ...

4. Do not be afraid of small talk.
Small talk is almost always inevitable, so why waste time and potential avoiding it? And small talk always leads up to bigger talk. I used to feel really awkward making small talk. My mind was constantly being bogged down with thoughts like, "Jeez, she must think I'm so lame" or "This is not going well; this is so awkward!" or "He must think I'm so shallow." I wanted to impress people, but talking about yourself up front tends to seem arrogant or braggy. Also, I picked up somewhere that it is never a good idea to talk about something that makes you passionate, which makes a great deal of sense. Otherwise, people will avoid you, assume that that's all you are interested in talking about, or people just mark you down as crazy or bad-eccentric.

If I approached a stranger, "Hey, how are you? I'm Havana. God, aren't you so angry that Disney isn't making any more traditional animaion films?!*" Passion is admirable, but not when it's slapped in people's faces. I prefer it to be a quirk than to be my identity. :)

That's all I can really offer for now. If you have more tips/advice/articles, please a comment! :D I always love hearing from others!

Breaking Perfectionism.

2007-02-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

"Double Your Income ... By Reading?!" by Matthew Cornell

Very interesting post ... which leads me to admit something awfully embarrassing:

I honestly have no finished a book in over a year.

Can you believe that? Over a year! Schoolwork has been piling up on me, social obligations (Well, not obligations, I love my friends~ :3 But keeping up with them does take up a chunk of time.), various concerns, and resulting slackerdom and mental fatigue has come between me and reading. The books I have been finishing are mangas (NANA, go read it!) and even then, I have trouble reading them (i.e. Deathnote).

I used to be a pretty avid reader-- a moderate fast reader, as well. Now I find myself struggling with speed-reading techniques and chastising myself for back-reading and reading too slow. it has desaturated me of a hobby I used to enjoy very much. Sure, I read blogs and articles and things like that but I really miss immersing myself in fiction. The last fiction book I've finished was Jodi Piccoult's My Sister's Keeper and even though it took me half a year ( I came back to it, off and on), it felt great to reach that final page. It was a beautiful, thought-provoking story and whether it takes two days to read it, two weeks to read it, or even (in my case) 4 months to read it, the story's splendor remained the same. I think I criticize myself too much when I'm doing something that either others (or myself) do not perceive as "efficient" or normal. Often, I feel that this is why people deny themselves from doing some things. I can't do that, because it's not professional. I can't do this, because I'm not athletic. I can't do that, because I'm not artistic. Even if I don't become a speed-reading demon, I'll still enjoy a good work on fiction.

So instead of feeling, pardon me for this, retarded for not being able to read a novel in two days anymore, I'm just going to stay at a pace where I can enjoy it and still get work done. My pace. And hye, the more I stick with it, the more efficient I WILL be at it.

And expanding on that mindset, I also want to just go ahead and try other things that I've never really allowed myself to try because of some perfectionist excuse.

1. Overcome math-phobia and become decent in it.
2. Try out tennis.
3. Try rock-climbing.
4. Bungee-swing @ Six Flags.
5. Play strategy games.
6. Get better at Halo.
7. Learn to play an instrument. ( Preferably piano, guitar, violin, or flute. )
8. Re-learn HTML and go beyond basics.
9. Take a public speaking course.
10. Approach a stranger every day.
11. Archery.
12. Fencing/swordfighting.
13. Cooking.
14. Take business courses.
15. Make a business of selling art on the side.

And of course, read more.

I've also established a little habit this week that I'm really proud of: scheduling slacker time. Right now, I am using my slacker time before I continue with my GTD list. I KNOW I will slack off during the day. I know I WILL procrastinate if I feel overloaded with things to do. So I find that it is important to schedule in slack time (Not to be mistaken as lunch time or lunch break) in addition to scheduling your daily tasks. I'm blogging, checking out Myspace, checking out blogs, thinking of what to download next ... and until that clock hits 9:50a, this time is mine. :)

Contemplations on interconnectedness.

2007-02-06T07:54:00.000-05:00

Teehee!

Jeez, do I miss these old days. ^_^ And looking back on episodes, there are SO many underlying jokes I never even caught at all when I was younger. I miss cartoons when they were actually funny. And it's also kind of interesting how unisexual this show ( amongst others, like Tiny Toons) was compared to the majority of cartoons now. God, they don't make them like this anymore.

Also, I can totally see where my personality came from now. ::g::

Here's one for you, babe. XD The ending is horrendously creative~

I was reading the Dalai Lama and I've decided that I will try everything I can to meet him before I pass away. Or rather, before he does. ^_^;;

Anyways, last night, I was reading a chapter on relationships-- not romantic relationships, but relationships in general. The more I read and thought about it, the more I understood how interconnected we are. It's almost impossible to live without other people. It's futile to even try. I used to be very foolish, wanting to face and deal with things on my own. I didn't want to bother anyone and if I needed someone's help, I would have been weak. The strong, independent archetype is just that: independent.

I only found myself in further disrepair. As rational I was trying to be, I found myself in circles. I was overly suspicious of people's intentions and assumptions. This made me curl up inside myself, away from everyone. It made me terrified of trying new things and meeting new people. I became so skeptical of my friends' outstretched hands taht I am so utterly surprised that they have remained my friends for this long. The more I retreated into myself, the more psychological instable I'd become.

"My basic belief is that you first need to realize the usefulness of compassion,"he said with a tone of conviction. "That's the key factor. Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize its deeper value, than you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.

"And once you encourage the thought of compassion in you mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitude towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly or doesn't respond to you in a positive way, then at least you've approached the person with a feeling of openness that give you a certain flexibility and freedom to change your approach as needed. That kind of openness at least allows the possibility of having a meaningful conversation with them. But without the attitude of compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated, or indifferent, then you can even be approached by your best friend and you just feel uncomfortable.

-"The Art of Happiness," p. 69

Late junior year, I started talking to Josh. Neither of us expected it at all, I don't think, but we became the best of friends. I do not think I've ever been so close to a friend before. I spilled a lot to him; things I had always been ashamed of, embarrassed about, I told him so casually and so openly.

And whereas I could not help but be skeptical about people's concern for me, I could feel it in Josh. He held the same trust in me; I remember when we spent 5 hours on the phone, unraveling our life story. Though Josh was the only one I confided in, I felt more intimate with everyone I knew. There was no need to feel so closed up anymore; I mean, I didn't even have to exert any effort to be open with people, I just WAS. As long as I knew that there was at least ONE person out there whom I could genuinely trust and whom I could be open with, everything seemed okay. Not that I continued keeping everything inside. I DID become more open to people ... automatically. And the more I shared, the less these problems seemed to bother me. Suddenly, I could take my problems more lightly and I could face them without much trouble.

In fact, if it wasn't for me finally opening up to Josh, I wouldn't have been able to develop my social skills the way I did in senior year. I was moderately extroverted, I confided in a small circle of friends, I felt more myself, less of a fraud. Though I hardly outright lied about anything about myself, I never told anyone anything, and that can be a degree of falsehood. I didn't feel the need to fabricate my life anecdotes, as I admittedly did in 8th-9th grade. I can't say I was super-optimistic or happy, since there WERE many problems back in senior year. However, it felt supported by my friends. I really felt stronger because of my friends. They gave me courage.

And if it wasn't for me able to open myself up, I wouldn't have reached the pinnacle of intimacy with Shef. :3 I told him absolutely everything. I showed him every side of myself. Good and bad, he's seen it all. My peppy, bouncy side, my despairing side, my nagging (unintentionally!) side, my insecure side, my stubborn side, my hopeful side, my fearful side, my longing side-- there is this resilient, durable, everlasting trust in him and though I admit that we have had our share of pain in this relationship, I personally feel that he's made me so much stronger. I bounce back from depression pretty quickly most of the time, I am more able to handle my stresses, I am more productive-- hell, I've jumped onto the GTD bandwagon for chrissake. XD

I realize that lately, I've been too stubborn and harsh and strident, especially to Shef. Reading that chapter last night really inspired me to adopt a sense of compassion. However, that compassion will also include being able to be open-minded about Jered. I also have a history with Daniel, a guy who has caused me a LOT of trouble back in high school, that I will have to forgive. However, I think that keeping my distance from him would be a better choice, since just being around him creates a buildup of negative emotions in me. In my productive and gung-ho fervor, I've been utterly inconsiderate about others. I jump to the assumption that what works for me will work for others and it doesn't. It hardly ever does. To be there for people, to be a shoulder for them to cry on is enough.

As [the Dalai Lama] spoke, I felt an instinctive resistance. Although I've always valued and enjoyed my friends and family, I've considered myself to be an independent person. Self-reliant. Prided myself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I've tended to regard overly dependent people with a kind of contempt-- a sign of weakness.

Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the Dalai Lama, something happened. As "Our Dependence on Others" as not my favorite topic, my mind started to wander again, and I found myself absently removing a loose thread from my shirt sleeve . Tuning in for a moment, I listened as he mentioned the many people who are involved in the making of all our material possessions. As he said this, I began to think about how many people were involved int he making of my shirt. I started by imaging the farmer who grew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, for that matter, the hundreds or even thousands of people involved in manufacturing that tractor, including the people who mined the ore to make the metal for each part of the tractor. And all the designer of the tractor. Then, of course, the people who processed the cotton, the people who wove the cloth, and the people who cut, dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workers and truck drivers who delivered the shirt to the store and the salesperson who sold the shirt to me. It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others' efforts. My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. it made me want to cry.

-"The Art of Happiness," p. 74

I want to continue sustaining an open relationship with the world. We really are all interconnected and in addition to the fact highlighted above that we are all connected to people through material goods, we are also all connected through ideas. I draw and create art in a style that has been invented and developed by innumerable artists before me. I include symbolism that is built from symbols and archetypes from the past that have been passed down for centuries. Even new styles that I feel I have created on my own, I have built up from other people's work. Nothing in art is entirely, completely original, e.g. without Michelangelo, mannerism wouldn't have developed. Or at least, it wouldn't have developed as much as it did. A lot of literature is built on ideas built on webs of other ideas. All stories somehow lead to the Bible or plays of antiquity or Shakespeare, I've read. Even scientists and mathematicians have to build up from somewhere.

It's almost sort of ... beautiful.

Weekly Goals for Feb. 5.

2007-02-05T09:44:00.000-05:00

After reading this article , I've decided to make up some small goals for this week:

In terms of job/money, I will:

call Sal
apply to @ least 2 scholarships
do business card designs for Momocon
make ad for murals
finish Myspace for murals

Healthwise, I will:

Wake up earlier; I'll shoot for 6:50am daily this week
Turn off computer @ 11:30pm
Eat decent breakfast, any combo of whole-wheat waffles, yogurt, fruit, and veggie sausages
Eat smaller dinners
Do yoga @ least 3X a week for @ least 10 minutes
Pilates for 2X a week
Strength train for @ least 2X/week
Stay diet-conscious on weekdays
Drink @ least one bottle/water daily
Restrict coffee to 3X/week, at most
Restrict soda to 2X/week
Check prices on digital scales

I want to focus on taking little steps. :3 This morning, I woke up @ 6:50, did 20 mins of yoga ( I love Steve Ross. ), ate WWWaffles, oranges, and drank coffee, so I've knocked off 1/3 of my yoga and coffee goals. :3 Wish me luck with the rest!

Thoughts on Recent Anime Trends.

2007-02-04T00:46:00.000-05:00

I'm finding it a touch annoying that half of the stuff getting posted is crappy anime drawings. No wonder my stuff ends up on page 15 after 5 minutes. I've been here two days and I've already found something to be annoyed about, how typical!

-Someone on DeviantArt

Sadly, I think I have arrived to the point where I, to a degree, agree.

I love the anime art style. I adore it. I love the variations within the style and the style's ability to combine simplistic cuteness with overwhelming, cutting-edge detail. I enjoy the range of emotions it permits and I just love looking at the multitude of character designs out there.

However, I also feel that many artists, especially novice artists, also use the style as a shortcut and a crutch. I myself have even fallen into the cycle of recycling the same faces over and over again. And this tendency eclipses the true masterworks out there and degrades the style. Now, a lot of people think it's just trendy or too simple or too "easy." Creating something is always easy; the hard part is, I think, convincing people that it is art. That's it's interesting or ground-breaking or original or revealing. I believe people should do whatever it takes to be an artist, but falling into a cookie cut, mix-and-match style will run into into a plateau. I always try to break into a new style; once I see that I've fallen into a "trap," I try to find a new style. I've gone through so many. @_@; And I'm still trying. But not doing so degrades the style and belittles highly talented artists who prefer to stay in it.

It's not just novice artists either: I can hardly watch new series now because many of them look too "cookie-cut." There's not much new, innovative stuff anymore and it's sad, really. Because of anime's worldwide popularity, I think many of these people whip up series to make money. Many series have potential but they do not fully utilize that potential. A lot of recent shows seem so half-assed. And I miss hand-painted cels a LOT for some reason, The insanely saturated colors sting my eyes. :P There aren't anymore good sci-fi series anymore. No characters that break the mold. It almost feels like almost every new character out there is a clone of some anime archetype.

Sigh. Where have all the good animes gone? ;.;

In other news, I am returning to Deviantart myself.

Writing prompts and inspiration.

2007-02-03T00:51:00.000-05:00

I did some writing exercises from this site. :3 Basically, a word pops up and I have to write about it in 60 seconds.

Cadillac.
We used to have a Cadillac; it was beaten and broken down and it sat in front of the house. We jumped on it, played on it, made it the little jungle gym we never had of our own. We kept our dog in it; it became his little mansion. I really don't know why my dad took so many years to get rid of it. The neighbors always thought we were wierd. The driveway looked so bizarre and wrong when it got towed away, even after we grew out of playing on it, after the dog was gone.

Headstand.
All of her sisters turned out to be cheerleaders. Each sister ran the school once they climbed out of their junior high years. It was almost like a history book: the Reign of Tiffany, the Reign of Jessica, the Reign of Rachael-- each of them had an army of primped-up, vicious jezebels and each of them harnessed a leash on every boy in the school. Not Emma, though. She was never able to do a headstand, even as a playful, adventurous young girl. And somehow, this handicap barred her from the adulation that bestowed her glamourous sisters.

I think I have found a new artist to look up to: Audrey Kawasaki. God, her artwork is the kind of art I want to create. Very simple, elegant, almost haunting pictures that have a definite feminine touch-- subtly erotic, yet cute. Teehee, maybe art does always reflect the artist. ::blush:: If I find the time, I will create some art over the weekend. I've been getting more and more inspired lately. Not just art-wise, but writing too; I really enjoyed doing the prompts above.

Time Flies from Five on Friday.

1. How long does it take you to get ready to leave the house?

Most of the time, I can get out in 10-15 minutes. I just jump in the shower, throw on some clothes, brush my teeth and go. 40 minutes in total if I have to wash my hair as well. The trouble just comes from picking out clothes. Because I don't have many casual pants (e.g. jeans), it becomes a bit harder to just really "throw on clothes." I have a great number of black shirts but most of my pants are black. :\ I have a great number of just casual, screen t-shirts but I can't wear classy black pants with them. I'd go out and buy jeans but aaargh, it's hard to find one that will complemeent my figure.

2. If you commute to work or a regularly scheduled meeting, how long does it take you to get there?

In the mornings, 20 minutes! xx; But usually, it takes about 4 minutes to get to school. ^^

3. How much time do you spend watching TV or playing video games each day?

I don't and can't watch TV because we don't have cable whatsoever. I download or buy the shows I watch so I do not have much use for TV. Plus, I think not having TV has been a greater benefit for me. I do not have TV to distract me from work anymore-- not to say that I don't get distracted, but the elimination of one of them is a big difference. I do not waste time on shows that I "just watch because it's on." And I no longer really feel desensitized.

I also would play more games if I had a Wii. :)

4. How much time do you spend preparing/acquiring/eating meals on an average day?

Erm ... not .. much? I am ashamed to admit that I eat out most of the time. :[ I'm trying to reverse that.

5. How much sleep do you get each day?

Never enough. :P

One of the first things I want to do once I have money is to revamp my wardrobe. I do not have a clear-cut, specific, narrow idea of what I want, per se, but I've have been playing around with a few ideas:

All I know is that I definitely want to emphasize my femininity via my clothing, so I want more skirts. Especially A-line skirts. That will mean I need new shoes, though. I also want more accessories: bracelets and hair things and the like. To be honest, I've always had a thing for pearls ... I might incorporate them into my new style somehow. I want a range of clothing that will allow me to be very casual ( so I need to go jean-hunting), very classy, and all taht lies in-between. Since I plan on bike-commuting to save gas and money (and to stay fit! ^^), I also need really cute sporty clothes. <3

Man, this entry went all over the place.

My own lifehacks.

2007-02-01T18:06:00.000-05:00

God, I'm such a geek. Lol. I have been going onto Lifehack.org a lot and it just hit me: why don't I list some of my own Lifehacks here?

1. Post-It notes are addicting. it's bright, it's there, it's visible. You don't have to neglect opening up a notepad or anything. I use them for numbers, reminders, to-do lists, markers, everything.
2. Time-block schedules. As oxymoronic as this is, keeping a fairly loose and flexible schedule and scheduling room for spontaneity helps a LOT. You never know if a friend will randomly call you up for lunch.
3. Wikipedia for quick, fast, basic info.
4. One binder for all my subjects. it's more travel-convenient, it takes up less space, and if I need to refer to another subject, all I need to do is flip a divider. Plus, I find that one one-inch binder is enough to efficently house all my schoolwork.
5. Almost everything in my room is stored in some manner of tupperware.
6. I use ziplock bags to semi-organize chunks of clutter in my drawers.
7. I arrnage my closet in rainbow order so that I can pick out matching outfits easily.
8. I use the $100 checkpoint to keep from spending from my savings account. (e.g. If I have $460 in my savings, I CAN dip into the account, but I cannot let my savings go under $400.)
9. I also find it to be helpful to define emergencies in the finest possible detail in regardings to dipping into savings. This way, you have definite margins. If you are in a hungry, irrational mood, you might justify dipping for food but if you set yourself concise guidelines, you are less tempted to.
10. Color-coded notes help me out, especially when it comes to math and very technical things. I also am incredibly ADD and having different colors help me stay focused. I stick to conservative colors like blue, red, and black, however.
11. I keep nearby an outline for different sort of emails, notably follow-up emails, to make sure I do not ramble off-topic and to keep it as concise as I can.
12. I turn on the lamp if I decide to hit the snooze button to wake up easier.

Lifehacks I have yet to try:

1. For difficult and complex subjects I need to memorize, I want to compose instructions that are very colorful and simple, as if I were explaining things to a child. I'm a visual learner. ^^

2. Be diet-conscious during the weekdays but be more lenient on weekends. Also, invest in a digital scale.

3. Play more Sudoku, at LEAST. Learn new things and play concentration games to sharpen my noggin.

4. Learn office yoga. :3 I'm always on the go~

I had a lot more but I forget them at the moment. ;_; Oh well ...

So, do you have any interesting lifehacks of your own? :)

A Word Meme for A,B, and C.

2007-01-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

Game description.

Basically, I list everything in my life beginning with the given letters of the alphabet. So, here we go!

A is for ...

Art, my passion and skill.
Animation, which has been a big factor in my life, both good and bad: It immediately taught me English, it motivated the progress of my self-taught artistic abilities, it gave me style, it connected me to friends, and so much more. However, it made me incredibly ADD.
Ambition, a newfound sensation.
Asian, of which I am.

B is for ...

Body image, which I constantly struggle with.
Bona fide, which I try my best to be.
Books, gotta love 'em.

C is for ...

Cartoons, see animation.
Crazy, of which I am.
Curious, of which I am about all sorts of things.
Car, I love mine. <3
Camera, for I love taking pictures of people.
Cuteness, my ultimate weakness~

Monday was Shef's birthday and we celebrated by going to Ru Sans, just the two of us. Nothing extraordinary, but it was peaceful and fun. :) I love him so much. If I could, I would completely spoil and pamper him. I have another surprise for him, though, and I think he will thoroughly enjoy it.

I've been flipping through LifeHack.org as if my life depended on it. LOL. I've been on such a self-improvement/productivity frenzy lately. I went to a lecture on professionalism and networking and presentation; I look forward to this new me. I really feel like I'm rebuilding myself. I am currently trying to join some sort of service-based organization on campus. It'll be healthy for me to try and meet new people and do something truly productive, not for myself but for the world. I want to break out of my shell and reach out and do something for humanity, instead of confining my efforts to myself. And besides, I need to talk to other people, people who may have the same ambitions as I do. As much as I adore my friends, I also can't trap myself from meeting other people.

I am thinking about joining the campus art guild as well but I am intimidated, to be honest. Many art majors have this horrible tendency to be pretentious or arrogant, but I am drawing from a limited sample I've known. I enjoy discussing art one-on-one but feel more uncomfortable about it in a group. That could just be my social anxiety, though, and nothing related to interacting with other artists.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! Momocon is drawing near! I need to set up for sales! ^_^ I want to sell more than art, but what can I sell? If I can get shirts from Cafepress.com, that would be perfect ...

I also want to draw an original character that people can recognize. Alas, I have no ideas ... :[ I want to start a webcomic, too-- perhaps basing it on the daily silliness we seem to encounter everyday. I do have ideas for a short comic, though, which involves a love triangle. Juicy. <3 I may throw up some character sketches ... and I'll have to flesh out a plot and start on a script. So much work~

I have a really boring English paper to write ... >P

Art post: The Breakup.

2007-01-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

The Breakup, by yours truly.

No, Shef and I aren't broken up. Lol. I was just drawing and somehow, ended up with this and I liked it, so I posted it. :D

That's all, really ... :3

Frustration.

2007-01-27T13:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I like to simplify solutions to all of my problems. I am always trying to unravel the root of my problems and thus, find ways to elliminate it. I think my problems come from two sources: being jobless and having a mom.

'Course, if I HAD a job, I could make steps torwards moving out, away from my mom, so in the most simplistic terms, all I need is a job-- or rather, all I need is money, money, money.

But still, my mom has been the root of all my problems: my insecurities about my looks, my capabilities, my potential, this ungodly timidity about my future, my paralyzing, life altering guilt, my horrible procrastination habit, my tendency to avoid problems, my shyness, my severe self-criticism, my trust issues, my fear of being alone, my irritability, my difficulty with confrontation ..

... just to name a few.

I re-realized this after a week of total calm and peace from fasting when I came home and got hit in the palce with stress, stress, stress. First, she slaps an overdue tuition bill in front of me and yells at me about it. I tried to explain to her the reason why I didn't worry about it prior to the bill was because someone from my financial aid office actually told me, verbatim that I was okay and there was nothing else left that I had to do. SHe then proceeded to throw a tantrum, like an ACTUAL tantrum-- ever seen a 6-year-old with bipolar disorder? It's scary stuff. Oh yeah, then she gave me ALL these errands right when I came home; mind you, I came home at 1AM. I had to call about deals on this Vonage plan or whatever, check over some FAFSA stuff, look over tax crap and do this and that for her ... God, I don't even know ANYTHING about taxes or loans or whatever and she expects me to be her little encyclopedia for this stuff. Hasn't she done this the whole time? Why does she need this from me now? I'm tired of this.

I probably wouldn't have put such a major block on her if she hadn't thrown all of this at me right when I stepped through the door. BEFORE I even stepped in, actually. This is why I leave my house so often. I want to get away from her. And she is so determined that she's good for me. That's the part I hate the most, that she believes she is so good and innocent. What a hypocrite. No wonder I'm so messed up now. How can anyone grow up normal or stable with her?

I realize now I have been putting all my efforts into trying to undo everything she's done to me ...

All the counseling, all the self-help books, all the research, the sudden interest in psychology in 11th grade, the soul-searching, all of that ...

.. is to totally correct my upbringing.

Inspiration & Creativity.

2007-01-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

1. What inspires you?
The fastest way to get me inspired is to browse on DeviantArt or other art sites. It's almost like an inspirational defibrillator. Music also jerks me into drawing or writing; I love drawing scenes to narrate a song or piece of music. Watching stylized and/or action flicks, anime, animated movies have always made me want to jump at art. Though not as much as it used to, fandoms inspired a great deal of fan art and fanfiction for me too. :x Reading a REALLY great tutorial makes me want to try out new things; for you cartoon-and-comic aficionados out there, read "Making Comics" by Scott McCloud.

2. What blocks your creativity?
Depression has been a real obstacle for my creativity lately; it didn't usually back in high shcool, though. In fact, my creativity was at its pinnacle whenever I was depressed back in high school. Perhaps it is because depression now often involves contemplation about the future, which always scares me, to be honest. I fear that in the future, I may have to take the path in which I must abandon my drawing to make room for some career. I constantly burn with envy whenever I see art students anywhere or when I hear about my fellow high school graduates who are currently attending Savannah's College of Art & Design. I'm trying to break out of this invisible barrier of pressure and guilt to just pursue SOMETHING in art but I get horrendously intimidated. My creativity has really hit a plateau since graduation. I barely remember a finish piece of art that I've done, actually ...

But I am currently working on advertising myself as a freelance muralist and i am always on the look-out for extra-curricular art classes and workshops to remedy the plateau.

3. Do you do anything special to get your creative juices flowing?
The best work comes from when I am attacked by these spontaneous bursts of creativity. I mean, ideas fly by so fast that I HAVE to keep paper around to jot them down. But again, to give me that jolt, I usually go to DeviantArt.

4. What time of day do you feel most inspired?
Nighttime, I think.

5. How do you like to express your creative energy?
Drawing. Just plain drawing, honestly. That's my favorite creative outlet because it just flows out of me. Painting is more of a skill-in-progress; I am stilla novice. I am not primarily a writer, so I always have to take a very bumpy road to get anywhere in writing. Sculpture in a skill-in-progress and mainly experimental. Most other art forms I attempt are experimental.

But damn, drawing. I've done it for years, so it does not have to be -especially- difficult when I don't want it to be. I have the greatest amount of control over a pen or pencil than anything else. I can whip up pages and pages of doodles and sketches and quick drawings in an hour, or work on a big, beautiful piece-- it's all up to me and I love that sense of freedom when I have that sketchbook in my lap and that pen/cil in my hand.

Fast times.

2007-01-25T23:36:00.000-05:00

I am currently undergoing a week-long fast and so far, I've gone through four full days without food! I've hardly ever gone through one day of food and it's funny how subtracting one factor of your daily life can make such a difference. I feel a lot more .. lightweight? Not just because of my empty stomach but mentally, I feel lightweight. Not dizzy, but clear. Admittedly, the feeling of being cleansed was not as dramatic and revolutionizing as I had anticipated-- it is a very subtle change. I hardly noticed it at all. In fact, at first, I was afraid that I was doing this for nothing. Instead of crackling out of this cocoon in violent spasms, trying to liberate myself from its grasp, I feel more like I just slipped out of the cocoon and fluttered away quietly.

My mind is so uncluttered. Even a couple of days ago, when my darling Shef and I were talking about the future and I got horrendously intimidated, the fear was alleviated almost immediately. Of course, a large part of the alleviation was due to my lover's kind consolations, but still, it was uncharacteristic of me.

I feel a pleasant emptiness; my body feels so lightweight and so rid of clutter that every breath I take is refreshing. I wish very much that the weather were warmer so I could fully enjoy taking in the outdoor air. I want to do this again in the summer, when I can really sweat out all the toxins and really purify myself.

I also feel like I've made a triumph over myself. I used to think that I had no willpower whatsoever but I've continually turned down food again and again this week, even when my friends were eating cookies and candy and sushi in front of me! ::pout:: But I did it, and I'm really proud of myself. It makes me believe that perhaps I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for. Self-improvement has always been a constant endeavor for me; the first thing I hit when I go to the bookstore is the self-help section. I soak in the information but sometimes, I never implement what I learn, no matter how revolutionary an idea is. I get scared, I get skeptical, I even get too lazy. Right now, I want to learn and do as much as I can. I can't sit like a rock and expect good things to happen, I need to really get up and make them happen. I've already mentally compiled a list of what I want to achieve this year and even how I'm going to achieve them. First off, above all, I need to break my social anxiety. I worked hard to build myself into a social butterfly (Jeez, all these butterfly metaphors. Lol. ) in my senior year, I can do it again. I've lost so many job opportunities due to my fear of calling, confronting, inquiring, meeting ...

Tomorrow, I'm calling Sal and asking him about that job. I'm also going to call a bunch of other possible job places and sending out a whole mess of emails. I need to establish a relationship with the architecture department @ Georgia Tech and I need to hunt down Jesse's father. I also want to start getting my freelance mural thing going; it's good money and I really do genuinely miss doing mural work.

I've been falling in love with the Internet again. For almost two years now, the utility of the Internet has been narrowed down to Gmail, Myspace and Livejournal for me but I hit like a gold mine of random-ass resources the other day. LOL. I recommend that you guys check these links out~

Pandora Internet Radio A really awesome site that lets you type in a band or artist name and helps you discover similar artists/bands.

LifeHack.org Such a useful site; plenty of resources and advice for all kinds of issues from conversation to college life to money to relationship advice.

Squidoo Gives THE best links and resources, hands down.

Seventh Sanctum A plot/character/etc generator. If you ever run out of ideas ... ^_^

Not too shabby of a first post. ^_^